Perfectionism

In this article, the following topics are mentioned: perfectionism and fear of failure.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a personality trait that can be defined by someone’s need to achieve perfection or to appear without flaws. Perfectionists feel the need to excel and be the absolute best at everything. They work really hard, striving to diminish their imperfections. They are very (self) critical and set unrealistically high expectations of themselves, leading to feelings of inadequacy, failure and unhappiness.

Although a perfectionist never feels good enough about themselves, they always intend to do well.

Perfectionists are similar yet different to high achievers in the sense that high achievers experience joy and feel accomplished when reaching their goals, whereas perfectionists almost never feel happy or relaxed when reaching their goals.

Signs of perfectionism

  • A fear of failure: the feeling that you are always and constantly failing at everything you do
  • Procrastination: you may delay starting on a task because of a fear that you’ll not be able to deliver the desired results. Sometimes, perfectionists are not able to finish a task or take an excessive amount of time to do so.
  • Relating personal value to results and achievements
  • Unrealistic goals and expectations
  • Low self-esteem
  • Being highly self critical or critical of others. Perfectionists have a huge focus on imperfections and flaws. They focus more on failures than on their successes and accomplishments.
  • All-or-nothing or black-and-white thinking: the idea that either everything is perfect or nothing is. This creates a constant feeling of disappointment in oneself, others or life.
  • Struggling to relax or let go

Types of perfectionism

Perfectionism can be divided in three different kinds: 

  • Self-oriented: imposing high and unrealistic standards of perfection on oneself.

  • Other-oriented: imposing high and unrealistic standards of perfection on someone else.

  • Socially-prescribed: when the perfectionist feels like other people expect perfection from them

Cause of perfectionistic traits

Perfectionism can surface in both children and adults.
There are many factors that can contribute to perfectionism. There is an internal component, but also a social one. Perfectionism is often learned behaviour. 

Here are a few factors that play a role in developing perfectionistic behaviour:

  • Children from parents with perfectionist behaviour or who are critical of their children and their performances are more likely to develop perfectionism at an early age. Overachieving children can have a hyperfocus on getting good grades, setting high goals in sports, friendships and other activities.

  • Competitive culture regarding academics and professional careers.

  • The growing presence of social media: striving for perfection is something we see everywhere around us – on social media we are often confronted with a world that seems perfect: everything is filtered and altered to adhere to a standard of perfection and we compare ourselves to impossible (beauty) standards.

  • Fear of disapproval from others or a strong feeling of insecurity.

Risks

Perfectionism can be seen as a blessing and a curse.
Perfectionists themselves often see their perfectionism as a good trait. The positive side of perfectionism lays in the fact that perfectionists are highly ambitious and set high standards and goals in order to achieve success. It can bring them to great heights. 

A positive or adaptive perfectionist is capable of adapting in order to reach their goals. They enjoy being challenged, rising to the occasion and benefit from their perfectionistic traits. 

Scientists may argue that perfectionism is never a healthy trait stating that the negative side of perfectionism, also called the non-adaptive kind, always catches up with the positive side of perfectionism. This non-adaptive kind of perfectionism is based on the constant feeling of doubting yourself and being unsure about yourself, feeling pressure from yourself and others. 

When perfectionism becomes unhealthy and out of control, it can lead to high stress levels, anxiety, extreme worrying and overall feelings of unhappiness. It may even become difficult to reach your ambitions and goals and function in daily life.  As such, perfectionism is a trait often diagnosed as part of mental illnesses such as eating disorders, depression or obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

Therapy for perfectionism

(Cognitive) therapy can be an effective way to treat perfectionism, which is focused on learning new ways of thinking and shifting perfectionistic behaviour towards healthier attitudes regarding your goals, standards and life.

If you recognise any perfectionistic personality traits, you may want to talk with a therapist, especially when perfectionism is interfering with your daily life and happiness. 

If you have thoughts of self-harm, please seek medical attention. Speak to a general practitioner or mental health professional. For emergencies, contact 112 (in The Netherlands).

For a listening ear, contact De Luisterlijn (Dutch) . Call 088 0767 000 or chat via their website.

Self-help tips

  • Set healthy (and measurable) goals: setting up a to-do list or a checklist can be helpful in keeping on track your goals and not straying from them.

  • Don’t compare yourself to others – you are you and you are following your own path towards a healthy and happy life.

  • Ask for feedback: ask colleagues, your boss, friends whether the work you’ve done in an early stage is good enough. You may find that the work you’ve done already is more than enough, which will save you the time, effort and stress of keeping at it. Talking to others can help you get perspective.

  • Be truthful: does more work or does spending more time on work equal higher quality of work? It’s sometimes valuable to do something less perfect in order to focus on what is important. Nitpicking on the small things can be counterproductive and shift focus from the important things.

  • One step at a time: break up a big task in small ones. It’s easier to reach a goal by taking things step by step.
     
  • Make mistakes: everyone makes them. It’s a learning moment and nothing to be ashamed of.

  • Worst case scenario: what is the worst that can happen when you don’t deliver something perfectly? Oftentimes, you’ll find that your fear of failure is not quite in line with a possible bad outcome.

And most importantly:

  • Be kind to yourself and have compassion and empathy for yourself: perfectionists can be ruthless towards themselves. By assessing your own behaviour towards yourself, you may find that you are being unfairly harsh to yourself. If you would pretend to talk to a friend or family member, what advice would you give yourself?
 
 
Illustration by Shanta Jethoe
  • https://www.livescience.com/6724-dark-side-perfectionism-revealed.html
  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/perfectionism
  • https://www.healthline.com/health/perfectionism#prevention
  • https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/basics/perfectionism#what-causes-perfectionism
  • https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/perfectionism
  • https://hbr.org/2011/10/is-perfectionism-helping-or-hu
  • https://hbr.org/2019/04/how-to-manage-your-perfectionism