Is there truly life without writing? My journey towards becoming a selfpublishing author

There’s a good chance you may not know who I am, so a short introduction is in place. My name is Michelle Ermens, and I’m the writer of the Magic’s Source series and Lucky, the Last Traveler.

Writing is the one thing I love doing more than anything in the world. I wouldn’t spend every free second of my life trying to make it as a writer if I didn’t.
As I’m sure many of you know, trying to turn something you love into a job is not only difficult, it sometimes even makes you hate that thing you love so much.

Why writing?
Like many creative people, I pretty much live my life with my head in the clouds. Even as a kid, I had so many thoughts racing through my mind every second of every single day. I could never really just relax. It wasn’t until I started writing that I found an outlet for all those thoughts and I finally got to put my overactive imagination to good use.

From that moment on, I couldn’t live without writing. If I go a few weeks without, I get anxious and honestly, a little down.

Taking the next step
After figuring out what I wanted to do with my life in elementary school, I spent the next ten or fifteen years just writing for myself. I let my family members read my books – which even then were already full fantasy novels – and of course, they loved them. You know what family is like: they love everything you do. 

I wanted more.

At the age of fourteen, I sent my first book to a publisher, which got sent back to me with a rejection letter. I sent out many manuscripts over the next four years, each one of them returning with a rejection letter and heartbreak. As I graduated high school, I decided to give up on writing professionally. I felt like I had to focus on a future in which I could earn a living and buy a house someday. I considered writing just a hobby.

For some reason, I decided to go to art school and study animation. I guess I thought I would at least still be able to create stories even if I wasn’t writing actual books.

Should I give up or not?
As a last resort and right before art school, I sent my latest book to a review service to be read and criticised, which was insanely scary.

I got my book back within a week with a raving review. Although this person was no longer affiliated with any current editors, she was extremely enthusiastic, recommending a dozen editors to send my book to. Unfortunately, I’d already sent my book to all of them and had gotten rejected.

Although I’d decided to focus on something else, I also couldn’t really give up on it. Especially after getting that kind of recognition.

Now, I could give any number of excuses as to why any of those editors didn’t want to publish my books. Maybe they get so many manuscripts every day that they don’t even read ninety percent of them? Or do they only read books of people who are already known in the writing world? Perhaps most of the books they publish are translated English books. Et cetera, et cetera.
But in the end, I’ll never know. Maybe they did read them and just didn’t like them. Personally, I’ve spent most of my life believing that last part.

Taking a leap
After graduating, I started working freelance as an illustrator and animator. Although I liked doing that, I always felt restless. I didn’t write as much and so my anxiety built. I felt down, like I would eventually die without even giving my dream a real chance.

And so, I decided to take a leap, go around the ‘gatekeepers’ and try my hand at self-publishing.

In about six months, I wrote an entire new series of six books. And those six months were the best part of my new journey. Just me and my keyboard, letting my fantasy run free and having an amazing time.

Self-publishing
After that, the real battle began. I know that to many, self-publishing sounds easy. Like something you do, because you can’t make it through ‘real’ means. I used to think that too, which is why I used to feel a little ashamed of doing it. 

Everytime I told someone I was self-publishing, it felt like I was telling them: ”I’m not good enough to have my books published, but I still want to publish, so I’m doing it anyway.”

Nothing could be further from the truth, though. Think what you want about self-publishing, but it’s anything but easy. In the stretch of a year, I’ve pretty much learnt how to be an entire publishing company all by myself. I found information anywhere I could. I bought books about it. I spent a ton of time on Facebook, joining every self-publishing group I could find. I hired beta readers and editors. I tried to design my own cover, got too insecure about whether it would be right or not and then had one made professionally, just to switch back to making my own again after that. I started social media for my books, trying to get people interested, even though I feel like I am not very great at it. I built a website for my books and even started a newsletter.

Doing and learning all of that was exciting at first, but I realised very quickly that it is all necessary stuff that I have to focus on, which means it takes time away from me actually writing. Once again, I was doing something I really didn’t like, but at least this time I was doing it for something I believed in, which made it worth it.

Holding my book in my hands
Trust me, it was worth it. After about a year, I finally gathered the courage to press my finger on the ‘publish’ button. I don’t think I’ve ever heard my heart beat as loud as it did at that moment. There was no going back now. I’d officially become a published author.

I immediately ordered a stack of author copies of my book and, wow, the moment I took one out of the box and held it in my hand… I’m a little embarrassed to say that I had to swallow some tears. All that work, all that anxiety, that insecurity, all that love and devotion, it was all accumulated in that one book of about four hundred pages with that beautiful cover that had my name on it.

From there on
When you start doing something as a complete newbie, there’s a lot you have to learn before starting and even more you’ll learn while doing it. In hindsight, there’s a lot I would do differently now. However, I don’t have any regrets. One of my dreams literally came true.

As a new, no-name author without the backing of a publishing company, it was hard to get people to buy my book. I definitely can’t support myself with the income from my books. Yet.

So, here I go from being completely happy and overwhelmed, to being extremely worried and overwhelmed. How do I get people to read more of my books? How long should I allow myself to do this? 

Is this where my dream ends? Is it okay to be proud of what I’ve done so far?

How they’re doing
Unfortunately, I don’t have any of the answers to those questions. I published that first book about one and a half years ago and in that time, I’ve published four more books. I run ads for them, I try to promote them on social media, the other day I did a giveaway, I write blogs about them on my website, I tell people about them, I go to local bookstores to ask them to put my books on the shelfs, and I try to get people to leave reviews. And slowly but surely, the books are selling.

Every day, I sell an ebook or a paperback, or about three hundred pages are read online. Sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes a lot more, sometimes nothing.

It’s still not much, but it’s climbing. And now that my books are actually being read, ratings start coming in. Nothing but four or five out of five stars, which might sound a little braggy, but that’s pretty amazing if you ask me.

As a creative person, or maybe just as an insecure person, I’m still anxiously waiting for that moment where suddenly people are going to tell me they hate my work so much and that I should just stop writing forever. But I fight that feeling every day and just stubbornly keep going.

To be continued…
So, that’s what my life as a writer has been like from then to now. Like I said, it comes with ups and downs. But for me, the ups far outweigh the downs, which I take as a sign to keep going.

I’m currently editing the next book in my series and I have the outline of three new series ready to go. I’m not done yet, not by far. Even if I have to keep my day job for the rest of my life, it’s worth it to be able to keep doing the one thing I love most on earth.

My main takeaway
Ninety percent of people will tell you that your dream of being a professional creative is unobtainable, and honestly, they’re not all wrong. It’s hard and even after working your butt off, there’s still no guarantee it will work. It’s worth all that for me, but in the end, only you can decide whether it’s worth it for you too.

Curious for more? Check out my books!
You can find them here.

Do you want to know more about Michelle? Read more.

Photographs by Michelle Ermens